Thursday, 3 April 2014

Lesson #12: When your son gets into fights in school

As my first 4 kids are girls, problems in school usually revolve around friendships and 'girl-type' situations which I can handle and advice them on. However when #5 entered P1 last year, it was a shock for me as it was the first time that I received calls from his teacher telling me he was getting into fights. I know that boys fight all the time, but you are never ready to hear that such things involve your own son.

He got into 3 fights last year, and this year, he's already gotten into 1 or 2 fights (I'm losing track of his fights). I'm sure he's sounding like a big bully, but actually, he is really tiny. He's the shortest in class and most of his friends are a good head taller than him. So what happened?

The first time I got a call, it was because he was playing with a friend and his friend was accidentally hit by him. While waiting at the pick-up point after school, they have about 15 minutes before parents are allowed in. Bored boys, 15 minutes and 'weapons' can only mean trouble waiting to happen. The boy started sparring with him using their calligraphy scroll case, and soon enough #5 accidentally hit him on the ear and it bled! The boy's mum only found out when she was showering him and noticed the wound, so she called the teacher to inform her. I was worried about the boy and asked if his mum wanted to speak to me. The teacher said she did not, as no one was at fault (although they shouldn't have been playing with the scroll cases) and it happened accidentally. 

Shortly after that incident, his teacher called me again. This time, he had shoved a boy and he fell and scrapped his knee and again, there was blood. Apparently, the boy kept taunting him and called him names like 'baby' and 'shortie' until he lost it and pushed him. I had taught him time and again never to start a fight, but he said that the boy started the fight using words. I explained to him that using words and using hands was different. If he used words, you can only use words to tell him to stop. And if he were to continue, then learn to walk away instead of retaliating. 

The third time his teacher called me, I could tell that she was getting exasperated at the fights which were occurring with more regularity, and that it always involved #5. This time, some boys were playing ball, and the ball rolled to #5's feet. In trying to retrieve the ball, the boy somehow shoved him. He probably assumed the boy did it on purpose (as it was probably from behind) and he shoved back. Somehow, it turned into a fight, and 3 boys started to restrain #5. In trying to free himself, he wrestled his arm away and it accidentally hit a boy square on the nose, and again, it started bleeding. So as the teacher put it, "Your son keeps getting into fights." I felt so sorry for the poor boys, and every time, I asked if the parents wanted to speak to me, but they didn't. 

All the hubs and I could do was to again explain to him that no matter under what circumstances, it is wrong to get into a fight, unless of course the other person is going overboard and there are no teachers or adults in sight and you have to defend yourself. We think that because of his tiny size, he uses all his might in a fight to try and prove himself. We tried using both the carrots and sticks method, by stating our punishments if he were to get into another fight, and also telling him his reward if he doesn't get into anymore fights. It seemed to work, and he didn't get into anymore fights last year.

However, this year he got into a fight. He fought with 4 boys and ended up scratching one of them quite badly. The strange thing was that after the fight during recess, they all returned to class and everything was back to normal. The boys were still best friends and when questioned by the teacher, nobody said that #5 started it and nobody even admitted that they were hurt in anyway. It was the girls who informed the teachers that 5 boys were fighting during recess, and that #5 started it. Apparently, they were all playing with a plastic bottle and one of the boys called him a cheater and said he was not following the rules. Somehow, that ended up in a fight. A friend who has 2 boys tell me that that's how boys solve their problems. Have a problem? Fight it out there and then and then it's settled. No hard feelings.

His teacher called me to inform me about it as per protocol. I told her honestly, the hubs and I don't know how else to handle this. I asked her if there was a school counsellor and I would like him to see the counsellor. I would be more than happy to work with him and enforce any skills and strategies at home. She said there is and will arrange for it.

Sometime after that, I bumped into his VP in the corridors and I took the opportunity to speak to her as he was sent to her after the fights. She was grateful that I touched base with her and told me that I was doing the right thing. She had seen many boys in secondary school get into much worse trouble and by then, the boys are bigger, stronger and more defiant and it is extremely challenging to deal with them.

I think in Singapore, many people are still not comfortable with the idea of seeing counsellors or psychologists whether for ourselves or our children. I have spoken to many foreigners and they don't see it as having any sort of stigma attached. They describe it as akin to taking our car for servicing, to make sure that everything is working properly and to deal with issues before they escalate. Sometimes, it is hard for us to see the problems and it helps for a professional to point it out and to work through the issues together.

#5 has just started seeing his school counsellor, so let's see how that goes. And hopefully I won't get anymore calls from his teacher.

Other Thursday lessons (which I've learnt the hard way):


~ www.mummyweeblog.com - a blog on parenting 6 kids in Singapore ~

6 comments:

  1. I think its part n parcel of growing, my boy get into fight too.. even in pre-school days.. My girl pinched her friend last wk, she got 'mark' on book :( We address to every single case, times we learn not to just listen to teacher, we need to hear fm our child or i shd be listen to both sides..

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    1. Thanks for sharing. Yes, but the problem is that #5 doesn't express himself. After every fight or trouble with his sisters, he will not tell us what happened. We can ask him the whole day, and even ask him to write it down if he doesn't want to say it out, but it's still impossible to get anything out from him. That's another issue I want the counsellor to address. I don't know why he doesn't want to speak up when problems happen.

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  2. Hey mummy, we facing same problem. Its only the 4th month in primary 1 and he got into about 5 case of him starting the trouble. Usually in the bus when he got nothing else to do. Few time saw him back home with some red marks. But doesnt speak up until I use harsh method. Then found out that he is the one start to hit the kids and the other kids retaliate. I tried all method as well. And was thinking maybe I would seek a counsellor in the school.....headache!

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    1. Yes, I think it's important we seek help when they are still young. I hear from some friends with boys that it is quite common among boys to get into such trouble. Sometimes they grow out of it naturally in secondary school, but sometimes it gets worse. Will update when he has done more sessions with his school councillor and hopefully I will be able to share some good strategies.

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  3. So enlightening
    Tks for sharing
    I have two boys 4 n 2 though Young but gd to prep myself of what to come

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  4. Hi,

    Yes, it's good to be mentally prepared! And to teach your boys from young how to handle such situations.

    I'm still finding it tough dealing with my son...

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